


This could be the fight of our lives

by redlipsredledger



Series: Sometimes darkness can be expelled by the most beautiful light [1]
Category: Black Widow (Comics), Marvel, Marvel (Comics), Marvel 616, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Winter Soldier (Comics)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, BAMF Bobbi Morse, BAMF Maria Hill, BAMF Natasha Romanov, BAMF Pepper Potts, BAMF Sharon Carter (Marvel), BAMF Tony Stark, Broken Families, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes's Metal Arm, Canon - Comics, Clint Barton Is a Good Bro, Deaf Clint Barton, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, F/M, Family Secrets, Heavy Angst, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Torture, James Barnes trained Natalia, Long Lost/Secret Relatives, Marjorie Liu's Black Widow run (Alternate), Mental Instability, Mind Manipulation, Natalia Romanova was manipulated, Natasha Romanov & Tony Stark Friendship, Original Characters - Freeform, Pepper as Rescue, Post Serum Bobbi Morse, Post Serum Natasha, Protective Bucky Barnes, Protective Clint Barton, Protective Natasha Romanov, Protective Steve Rogers, Psychological Torture, Red Room (Marvel), Regret, Secrets, Sleeper Agents, Spies & Secret Agents, Stolen Moments, Super Soldier Serum, The Author Regrets Nothing, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Weird dream inspired this fic, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes, the Winter Soldier Program
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-14
Updated: 2020-11-23
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:55:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 16,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24683431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redlipsredledger/pseuds/redlipsredledger
Summary: Their past is still a mystery to most people but they remember most of it.Most.The parts of it that was buried deep inside of them with programming has started to surface in painful memories that they learn are true in the most brutal way imaginable. It isn't the first time someone has tried to kill them, they've been walking targets for decades now but this time around, the assassins hit too close to home for Bucky and Natasha and they are left to unravel a web of lies and dig deep inside of themselves to find a truth that was taken away years ago forcing Natasha to face the consequences of brutal lies when she has to discover if she can live with herself for telling a lie she didn't even know she was telling.Each of them has been through hell both together and apart but this time it will take all they have to hold onto their professionalism when this is more personal than anything they've ever faced before and there's more at stake than just the two of them making it out alive.[This is probably gonna be one of the most emotionally intense things I've written with these, please do check it out for me!]
Relationships: Clint Barton/Bobbi Morse, James "Bucky" Barnes/Natasha Romanov, Sharon Carter/Steve Rogers, Tony Stark/Pepper Potts
Series: Sometimes darkness can be expelled by the most beautiful light [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1786339
Comments: 12
Kudos: 20





	1. I'm running out of oxygen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A phone call from a ghost pulls James and Natasha into a brutal game that neither of them truly understand, this is one part of their past that Natasha wanted to stay buried forever because this is the one thing that could break them in a way they can't come back from.
> 
> Someone knows a painful secret and now they're willing to use it to manipulate them both but until they figure out how and why they're flying blind and when their lives are in the hands of a psychopath with a grudge it's a question they need to answer fast.

"I feel like my back is breaking and I'm exhausted." She sighed as she looked over at him. "We need to take a week off."

Stretching out, she twisted trying to get her back to crack - which it wouldn't - before she placed her hands against her shoulders and groaned. It had been a hell of a mission and none of it had been easy. One trial after another for the better part of two weeks which ended in an epic firefight and her getting thrown into a wall. It hadn't been fun. Granted, they'd gotten the job done but that guy had at least 200lbs on her and he was _big._

She wasn't weak by any means but he'd literally taken her by surprise because she'd been too preoccupied trying _not_ to get shot.

He walked over to stand behind her and moved her hands taking over a gentle massage of her shoulders before he leaned down to place a kiss against the bare skin. He was worried about her and she knew it but he wouldn't make it overly obvious. He knew he'd drive her crazy if he asked over and over again, she'd always hated that crap.

She pointed out repeatedly over the years that she was just as tough as he was and she did _not_ need to be treat like she was made of glass. They'd both been in danger a hell of a lot of times and recently had been somewhat tame compared to everything else they'd faced over the years but it didn't make it any less draining or any less hard on their bodies; their abilities to heal fast didn't stop things from doing damage at the time.

They just happened to recover faster than the average person.

"I'm inclined to agree with that. We'll just refuse to answer the phone if anyone calls." He grinned at her before shrugging. "We've earned a week off with all the shit we've done for them this last month alone." 

She glanced over her shoulder at him and smiled. She felt immediately calmer as his arms wrapped around her and he placed a kiss against her cheek. When it was just the two of them alone like this she felt far more relaxed and after everything it was more than needed. She released a sigh though and turned around to face him before she shook her head.

"Shower. I need a damn shower then food. We _both_ do." She stated trying to keep her tone even though he was doing all he could to make her smile.

He won out, he always did. It was just the look he had on his face when he looked at her, how could she not smile? She knew how much he loved her and after all these years they'd earned their happiness. They'd been torn apart too many times, this happiness of theirs was hard fought for and hard won. Neither of them were willing to lose that so easily.

"I can agree to that as long as bed after is an option."

She looked momentarily playfully contemplative before she shrugged trying to appear like she was _actually_ thinking it through before she grinned.

"Of course."

He could tell by the look on her face it was probably the only thing she wanted to do. They'd just wind up sitting on the kitchen floor eating a pint of ice cream or eating whatever sugary goodness she could find. They didn't have a great amount by way of sugar right now because they hadn't had the chance to pick up groceries yet. They had - after all - not long gotten home from a mission that had kept them out of the country for a week. 

As she reminded him it had been a hell of a week anyway not that he needed the reminder. He had more than enough bruises that'd do that for her. With a quick kiss she made her way into their bedroom to undress and get into their ensuite, he'd go and get into the one at the end of the hall and they'd meet in the living room after. They'd done this dozens of times over the years. Hundreds was probably more accurate.

Indeed they met in the living room with her braiding her hair over her shoulder and she rose immediately to walk toward him and wrap her arms around him. 

"What're we eating?" He was _clearly_ trying to keep focussed and so was she.

Both were somewhere between tired, hungry, sore as hell and well... Just stressed. They both fought back yawns. She glanced behind him and toward the kitchen contemplating for a moment telling him that they'd call for a pizza or Chinese food but in truth she was in the mood for neither one of them. Nothing sounded overly appealing. She blew out a sigh and shrugged.

"Ice cream?" She offered. It was better than nothing...

And it more than satisfied her sugar cravings. She'd been the same for as long as he could remember and he loved her for it. Tonight was the most peace they'd had all week and as he glanced down at his beautiful wife he couldn't help but smile. He always had that same smile when it came to her. That fond smile that said _I love you_ wordlessly and she'd always adored it. He'd agree with her naturally because he liked her to be happy. 

Sitting on the floor in the kitchen eating ice cream was exactly what she wanted to do and that was indeed exactly what he'd do to oblige her which was why they were halfway through a tub of chocolate brownie ice cream when a loud sound rang out from their chosen silence enough to have both of them looking frantically at each other as the first shot came through the window, it didn't shatter because she wasn't stupid and her windows were reinforced but from the look of the hole it was large calibre that would blow a hell of a hole through someone and it blasted straight through the back of couch.

Immediately he darted left to grab the gun from down the side of the refrigerator and she dived to the right to the one under the loose floor panel. Both of their instincts were to protect the other but they had to stay on guard.

They were never unarmed but the two of them exchanged a look which was both questioning and pissed off as a second shot rang out and a second bullet came flying through the window hitting the wall behind them causing the tile to splinter and fly everywhere in a hail of broken ceramic and dust. 

"What the hell!" She muttered as she looked at him and he just shook his head.

He had no more a clue than she did but that didn't stop both of them looking out from behind the cover of the kitchen counter to see if they could see who was shooting at them. Yes, it had been one hell of a week but they'd completed the mission in a manner that wasn't going to have someone follow them home so _this_ was something else.

They'd pissed off a whole hell of a lot of people but no one recently enough to make anyone do this.

"My guess is gonna be someone that wants us dead." He offered irately. She glared at him as he spoke.

Both of them looked confused when her phone started to vibrate in front of them, the screen reading _unknown number_ and they exchanged yet another questioning look. She reached out to grab it before answering - against her better judgment- just in case it was someone that they actually knew and _not_ connected to whoever it was taking shots. Bucky looked at her before a third and forth shot rang out.

"Do you like being in my trap, Little Spider?" The voice sounded taunting. Familiar. Manipulative.

No. Impossible. Natasha looked sickened as Bucky mouthed _who is it?_ to her before she pressed loud speaker.

"Aw, not even a hello?" He mocked "Well, there's no use in a conversation when you'll be dead soon if you aren't a good little girl and do what I say."

"Niko." Bucky answered for her. His has was clenched and he sounded mad as hell.

He hadn't seen that son of a bitch in... Well over 60 years.

Not one of them thought that he was still alive, they'd been sure that the hole he was thrown in would swallow him whole eventually and someone would do the world a favor and take the bastard out but it seemed as though that hadn't happened and he'd gotten out alive. Unfortunately.

"You thought you could save the girl, soldier? You're both nothing but pawns in _my_ game now and you'll be sorry either of you even existed by the time I'm through with you. I've got _quite_ the surprise for both of you, do hurry before I tell my little assassins to take their kill shots."

"I thought he was _dead!_ I thought he'd-" She completely forgotten she had put the phone on loud speaker and that he could hear her.

"Been killed years ago? Oh, I didn't think you naive little spider."

"He's gonna be." Bucky muttered irately.

"Oh, come now! You don't think I have no plan here do you? My assassins can kill you both or you can come in and comply and trust me: I'd take option A. There's something you both might want to see."

"Hell no! We'll take our chances thanks." Bucky snapped. "Go to hell."

"I'm already there but the two of you won't want to do what you're thinking of doing if you find out the truth. If they don't kill you I'll kill them. Trust me, their deaths will be worse for both of you than your own." 

The two of them exchanged a look of both confusion and questioning. Why the hell would the death of a couple of assassins matter? It'd be two less people that'd go out of their way trying to kill them or anyone else. 

"Why the hell should we care?" This time it was Natasha's angry voice that broke through.

"How much of your past are you sure is true, Natalia? Come home. There's a story you're gonna wanna know the truth about and you'll appreciate the poetry of what I'm doing to you. If you don't, I'll let them kill both of you and then they'll find out the truth that'll destroy them. You might not care for the lives of the strangers taking shots at you but I know you do want to know what _really_ happened in those woods all those years ago..."

Immediately Natasha's expression became anything but fierce. She withdrew almost immediately and the gun fell from her hand and she shuffled back until she hit the cupboard behind her, her breathing unsteady and she shook her head. No. She didn't want to go back to that night, not ever. She remembered it so clearly and in such painful and vivid detail that it still felt like it would kill her to this day. 

She felt like the walls were closing in around her and her hands moved to her head as she shook her head vehemently. No one was supposed to know about that night, Ivan promised her no one would know. That file would be destroyed, there'd be no record of that night. Never.

"I know what happened you sick son of a bitch." Yes she was angry but she sounded broken.

"Do you?" He questioned mockingly. "I wouldn't be so sure, Little Spider."

"Nat-?" Bucky questioned with a furrowed brow. "What-How?"

She'd told him years ago, it was a story that had caused them both endless pain and it still did deep inside of them to this day but if this bastard was plucking at that particular nerve he'd die painfully but it seemed indeed like there was something that he wanted her to know. She needed to know herself how he even knew about that night when it should've been just as buried as Ivan promised it would be.

Ivan had always been good to her... True to her.

He'd been the closest thing she had to a father. Why would he betray her like this? It had taken a horrible conversation with Bucky when he'd first come out of his programming and he'd asked her if it was real or not. She didn't want to ever go through that again. She never wanted to talk aloud about that ever again.

"Come home." Niko simply stated. "Or you'll never learn the truth.

And then the phone went dead. 

Bucky reached out for her but she backed up further, pulling her knees to her chest and she shook her head over and over. No. This was _not_ something that was going to be used to hurt her. This was not something that was going to be used to hurt either one of them. That pain had to stay so deeply buried because she couldn't face going over the story again. No one in her life knew about it but him but it was his pain as much as it was hers.

She felt like she couldn't breathe. Her chest heaved and she started to feel dizzy, her heart was pounding in her ears and she was hyperventilating. She couldn't do it. She couldn't breathe. She couldn't go through this again.

He fought to keep the composure that she'd so obviously lost, he moved to sit beside her in the dusted ruins of their kitchen and he wrapped his arms around her shaky body and pulled her into a embrace. He kissed her on the top ofnthe head as he fought to steady his own raging mind.

"Whatever he's doing he's lying." She whispered, she didn't sound so convinced.

"He has to be lying, there are only four people that knew about that night, James. There are only four that ever knew anything about-" She was retreating more into herself by the second.

This wasn't a pain either of them wanted to relive but it had been one that broken them both into a thousand pieces they'd never truly recovered from, even all these years later it still ripped them both apart. He knew how she was feeling right now and he knew she wouldn't be able to be strong, not this time.

That meant he had to be strong enough for both of them. He dragged in a deep breath and he closed his eyes clearly trying to focus and quell the sorrow and the pain inside of him, they needed a plan. They needed to figure out what to do here.

"We have to go back." She spoke quietly.

He supposed she expected him to say that there was no way in hell that they should do that but he couldn't. She was right, they had to go back because they both had to know how he knew about that and how the hell he'd gotten out of the hole he'd been buried in let alone get the kind of resources to come after them both like this.

Not many people were that brave or that dumb let alone willing to use something like this to get to them. If he knew what they thought he knew, he was playing a far larger game and a far more brutal game than anyone else had in decades and he'd gotten the resources to do it and the knowledge of that night from someone...

Yep, they were going back into hell and someone was gonna pay heavily for this and he'd make damn sure of it.


	2. Love is made so renegade

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A visit with an old friend confirms what she didn't want to face, the one person in the world who'd guided the more brutal parts of her childhood and her life was behind telling Niko her terrible secret and it just might be possible that someone was indeed manipulating them.

She was quiet; Natasha wasn't exactly the most talkative person at the best of times but he hated it when she was _this_ quiet. Whenever she was this quiet it was because of one of two reasons: She was either trying to find the best strategy in an otherwise shit situation or she was going through hell and at this point - while he knew it'd be both - he was wondering which end of the spectrum she'd fall on. He wanted her to talk to him, to tell him what was going on in her head but he knew better than to ask.

Everyone knew better than to ask when it came to Nat. She told people what she wanted them to know _only_ when she wanted them to know. He just wanted her to say something, hell at this point he'd settle for her saying _anything_ but she wasn't in a good place and he could see it, he wasn't either and the two of them should pull together through this but he could see why she was shutting down the way she was.

She glanced eventually toward him after staring dead ahead for the better part of an hour and she sighed. Her eyes were filled with sadness and he hated that he couldn't reach out and take it away and she hated the fact that the sadness in his mirrored her own. She reached out to hold his hand before leaning her head against his shoulder. They weren't flying out themselves, they didn't want to leave a trail so instead they were in the back of a damn cargo plane.

It wasn't comfortable but it was practical. All they had was what they had on them right now and whatever they could pick up at drops and whatever safe houses they still had out here that _weren't_ compromised. He squeezed her hand but could do nothing more than that. 

She fell once again into her silence for another 30 or 40 minutes until she literally couldn't take the quiet anymore or the concern that she could practically _feel_ radiating off of him. She hated that she was worrying him. She truly didn't want to hurt him but then she never had. He was going through this right along with her and she had to stop shutting him out, she could feel him saying it without _actually_ saying it.

"It hurts." She admitted quietly. "I never wanted anyone to use this to hurt us and he-"

The crack in her voice made her _stop_ talking. It was instantaneous. She took a few seconds to calm herself with a few deep breaths before she relaxed her tensed shoulders just a little, enough for her to stop looking like she was doing nothing but causing herself pain anyway.

"I thought we'd taken enough precautions so no one ever could. I was so sure no one knew. I was sure no one _could_ know if we didn't tell them about it. It was supposed to be four people that knew about that night. How the hell did he find out? It wasn't in _any_ of our files or at least it shouldn't have been I- I don't get it. I don't know how he knew. I hate that he has the upper-hand here."

"I wish I knew. I wish I knew what to tell you or how he knew about any of this but I don't. We're gonna make this right I promise. Whatever it is he's doing we'll stop him and we'll fix it. He won't use it again, no one will. I'll make it okay again just trust me." He was trying to be soothing. He was trying to reassure her... 

He was just trying to do _anything_ but watch her sitting there looking utterly devastated that someone had used one of the worst pains she'd ever endured to try and hurt her. It was cold and callous even for someone from that world. No one deserved to have something so painful used against them like that. She'd already been through so much and so had he. None of them deserved this.

None of them deserved this pain. 

"I knew he hated me but I never thought he'd be this cruel even _if_ by some damn miracle he survived. I always thought that he'd learn _not_ to come after us again but it seems like I underestimated how dumb and how cruel he is." Bucky shook his head then.

"Cruel and dead by the time I'm finished." Natasha muttered. "No one uses this. No one."

It was an inflection point for both of them: Niko had to die. There was no way in hell they were letting him walk away from whatever game he was playing this time around and whoever the hell had been responsible for him even _learning_ about this was going down, too. There were only two others so it wouldn't be hard to figure out and one was dead the last time they'd checked.

That only left one other person and that still wasn't going to make it a simple search. People in their world knew how to hide, that was if Niko hadn't killed him yet. If he was already dead - which was possible - they'd make damn sure he was when they were done with him. The chances were though that Niko had tortured the information out of him. Unless their dead ex-trainer wasn't dead at all...

This life was complicated. It was hard to keep track of people if you weren't actively _trying_ to keep track of them and they had no use keeping track of people from their past or people who could end up causing them problems they just _didn't_ need. This was proof of that. They probably should've been smarter about it though... Both of them just wanted to be as far away from that pain as they could possibly get.

She was glad that they'd decided not to reach out to anyone else and told them what they were really doing out here it had been a quick message telling them that there was something that came up that was an emergency and that they needed them to keep everything safe back home until they got back, they'd both apologised - quite profusely - about the fact that they needed to be away. Again.

They felt bad about it but this wasn't something anyone else _could_ help with.

* * *

It didn't seem to make any of them feel any better when they got off of the plane either, she hadn't relaxed for even a moment even as they drove to their safe house. She was silent the whole way. She did - on occasion - glance over at him and offer nothing more than a weak smile. He couldn't blame her, his heart was just as broken as hers was but neither of them knew how to say it.

They hadn't been this withdrawn from one another in years now. He held her though in silence as they sat on the couch and neither of them said a word. He wasn't sure what there _was_ to say if he was going to be honest. He hated the fact that no one could fix this. He'd had about a dozen messages from Steve, each of them grew more urgent but he couldn't tell him anything.

They weren't going to be ready to discuss this for a while... This was probably the one side of their twisted world that could hurt them the most. 

"What's our first move?" He questioned carefully; he was willing to follow her lead.

"I need to find Ivan. He's been underground for a few years but not completely. He never had a reason to hide from me." Natasha held a watery smile on her lips.

She and the old man had always been close, it was almost fatherly. He had been the one person Bucky knew that looked as though he regret what she'd been forced to endure over the years. He was the closest thing that Nat had to a family back there, he'd been her guardian, her protector, her mentor... He'd been the one that had fought for leniency when she should've been put through far worse than she was for half the things she'd done.

Ivan had always cared about her. He could tell it was painful as hell for her to consider that he could've betrayed her like this and it was tearing her apart to think that she might have to do something she'd never have wanted to do to him. She cared even to this day for some of the people that had been a part of her cold, dark past even today. She held to some of them because they weren't all evil.

"Do you really think he's involved in this?" She asked the question so softly it was almost like a barely audible whisper.

"I don't know what to think right now. Ask me two days ago and I'd have said there's no goddamn way we'd ever be in this situation but here we are, I don't know what to think and I have no idea who'd be cold enough to tell someone about this. We might've made a hell of a lot of enemies but I never thought anyone would use this." He admitted; he sounded defeated.

She looked up at him and placed her hand on his cheek, a silent reassurance that they'd get through this together before she placed a soft kiss against his lips and a small smile touched her lips. She loved him and she knew damn well that he loved her, they'd gotten married on the pretense that they'd be able to have something close to normal when they weren't stuck out in the field on some mission or another.

He supposed now that they both should've known better.

"I should've killed him years ago." He muttered sounding halfway between apologetic to her at his lack of action and angry at himself.

Imprisonment should've been enough. She'd made damn well sure he'd gotten imprisoned for what he'd done when she'd defected but he was right: Someone should've killed the son of a bitch years ago. It wasn't like he didn't deserve it. 

"We should get some sleep, it's gonna be a long day tomorrow." She knew though that rest was _not_ going to happen. 

It was worth a shot though regardless of the fact that they both knew if they got _any_ sleep at all, it'd be broken, restless and likely plagued by bad dreams... It wasn't going to be good for any of them dragging up this pain but they had no choice. 

* * *

It was a little after 3 in the afternoon before they'd managed to find their way to the old mans place. He had chosen a quiet village which was slightly surprising though to be expected they supposed. He wasn't exactly young. He'd been in his late fifties when he'd taken the serum she had and he was far older than that now even if it didn't physically show. He'd been glad to see her though less so to see Bucky. That wasn't surprising.

He never did like the amount of trouble his beloved daughter had gotten herself into when she'd fallen in love with him. He'd warned him that he was no good for her and that all he'd do was get her hurt but Natasha made her own choices. She was strong and stubborn and that girl didn't listen to anyone when she was determined on doing something herself. She didn't listen to anyone.

Natasha did what she wanted even back then. From what she'd told him she hadn't seen Ivan in about 10 years. He'd decided his job was done when she'd become a hero but he'd made sure she knew she could always reach out to him if she needed it, it wasn't much of a surprise he'd chosen to live in Russia, Ivan had very little to fear. He had never been the type to back down and he'd always made it clear he wasn't afraid of anyone.

He'd brought Natasha tea - chamomile had always been her favorite - and Bucky had opted for a black coffee, once he'd sat the two of them two he tried to look somewhat welcoming to her lover but he failed miserably. After a few minutes he gave up trying altogether.

"What can I do for you, my dear one?" He spoke to Natasha probably deciding that Bucky wasn't worth the trouble.

Natasha inhaled deeply, her eyes flicked to her lap as she fought to steady herself. She was far from calm, so very far from calm given everything that they'd been through recently and he couldn't blame her, he instinctively reached for her hand.

"Niko Constantin dragged us out here. He said he knows something about- about what happened to me when I..."

Ivan's look immediately became a mix of sympathetic and apologetic as he moved to kneel in front of Natasha, one hand moved to her cheek and he shook his head at her. 

"You've come to ask me if it's because of me he knows?" He questioned with a furrowed brow.

This time it was Natasha who shook her head.

"No, I've come to ask you if you have any idea how he could've found out." She wasn't directly accusing him. She never would.

"I can promise you it wasn't through me, Natalia. It's a terrible thing to use and one I'd never talk about. What you went through that night is something you should've never endured." 

"He also said it wasn't what we thought it was. He said what we were told happened was just lies." Bucky looked troubled as he spoke.

She held his hand tighter. Ivan studied the both of them with equal measure, eyes flicking between the two of them; he was trying to see if there really was any accusation in what either of them were saying or if they were trying to play him to get something out of him but there truly was nothing _to_ get out of him. If something happened, he wasn't aware.

"I would've never let anyone use that. Not ever." He sounded almost hurt that she would even think it. "You know how much I care for you."

That was one of the worst things he'd seen his beloved 'daughter' endure, there was no way he'd have let anyone use that. He hadn't been there when any of it had happened but she'd cried to him and told him when he'd got back from his assignment and he'd felt terrible for her. He'd felt terrible there had been nothing he could do to spare her from the pain, it was even worse that she'd lost the man she'd loved soon after, too.

"If they did so, I was wholly unaware of it." He promised her. "You know only one other knew about that night, Natalia. He has far less affections fr you than I do."

He hated having to remind her of that fact but she needed to hear it and he knew it. The only other person Natalia could've told about that night was the old man but he presumed him long dead, that only left one other. The General was a brutal son of a bitch at the best of times but he wouldn't have used what she'd been through all these years later unless there was a purpose for it.

Bucky and Natasha exchanged a look.

"I thought he'd be dead by now." She looked troubled as she spoke. Ivan simply shrugged.

"He could be for all I know." He waved his hand then. "I left that world behind me, Dear One. I don't seek to ever return but even _if_ he's dead, that wouldn't have stopped him imparting knowledge first."

From the look on her face he could tell that she'd suspected as much herself. He offered her a soft smile as he stood up but patted her on the knee on the way. His eyes momentarily moved to Bucky and for the first time since he'd gotten here he looked almost kind toward the soldier.

" _If_ what you know isn't real, you need to find the truth for the both of you. If what you believe isn't true then you should find out what is but you should be prepared as with everything else in our world you may not like the truth you find." Still, he'd advise her to find it anyway.

She deserved that much.

"I'll do all I can for you Dear One but you must face this without my help. You need to face this, Natalia. It'll haunt you if you don't and we both know it. You came out here immediately despite the life you've found for yourself back in America because now just like then, you cannot take the thought of another aspect of your history - and your pain - being a lie." He knew her too well, better than she'd like he knew that much.

He could tell from the look on her face, she looked like a child being advised and yet mildly chastised by a parent. 

"You take good care of her. I never liked you Barnes but she loves you. Whatever the two of you find out there, protect her." He'd never thought Bucky good enough for her but she could choose for herself.

He hadn't liked how much he'd gotten her in trouble back then nor what she'd endured after it nor before for the sake of loving him. He'd tried his best to use his influence over things to keep her as safe as he possibly could but there was only so much he was capable of doing without both of them having more problems than they needed. He cared for his little one, he'd been the one to bring her in.

He'd been the one to nurture her, teach her, protect her... He'd been the one that promised to do all he could for her and he'd been so proud when - just as he'd predicted - she graduated the program even if he grew quickly when she was a child to hate what they were turning her into, he remained her handler to protect her and keep her safe, he'd ensured her little freedoms... 

He'd fought for her when she'd been nothing but a lonely orphan with nowhere to go.

"Of course." Bucky nodded as he looked toward her with a smile. "Always have, always will."

"I didn't think you'd done any of this, Ivan." She spoke softly. "I just needed to hear it."

Reassurance even after all these years, ah, Natalia. 

"There're more hazards than I think you realise with what you're about to do. Are you _really_ ready to go back into that world? You need to find the truth Dear One but you need to remember who you are _now_ too. Hold onto that. You have a life outside of that and I am _so_ proud of you. If it gets too much you have to promise me you'll leave the ghosts where they belong."

"I need to know what he knows, Ivan." She replied quietly. "If what he's saying it true I need to know what really happened."

"If anything happened, Dear One. _If_ anything happened." He knew she wanted to know whatever truth it was that Niko swore he knew but he wasn't the most reliable person ever.

In fact he was more likely to twist something to suit his own agenda. He was less likely to tell the truth and more likely to find a way to manipulate people than he was to actually tell any kind of truth. Ivan naturally worried that this was what was happening now. If Niko knew something about that night that he didn't know, he'd like to know the truth too but it wasn't his fight to take on. It was theirs.

"I'll do what I can to get you the resources you need, weapons, extraction if you need it. I'll get you papers, cover the two of you the best I can. I can't promise complete protection but I can promise I'll have everyone I can on hand to help you if you need it. I won't let you die out there and I won't let anyone use you again, you've come so far. I want that better life for you." 

He didn't want her to go back, they'd done enough damage to her and he'd condoned it and she had no idea how much he hated himself for what had happened to her over the years. He should've stopped it. He shouldn't have been so blinded by them or too twisted by their supposed goals. He'd known all along that there was no good in any of that. He'd been stupid and he'd hurt her. He'd allowed harm to come to her when she'd been young and innocent and lost and she'd trusted him.

"You both might face a pain unlike anything else. I've kept tabs on your life for years now, Natalia. You have a family. the two of you married and you have a family and a life back in America. Don't lose that for them, don't allow your past to steal your future." 

"We won't." Bucky promised. "We have too much to lose. If he's lying and he's just screwing with us we'll end it and go home. We can handle them."

"Ah, ever confident soldier. The two of you are the best of the best but that doesn't mean you can't act irrationally. If there's any truth in this it could make the pair of you act out of emotion. You need to remember your training no matter how bad this gets."

He truly wanted to believe that no one had manipulated that night for their own gain but he couldn't swear that it wouldn't happen. They were certainly cold enough to do something so terrible and he wouldn't have known because he'd grown to care too much for her, they'd have seen his emotion as a liability, he'd be too unreliable because he saw her as a daughter. He tried to protect her.

If they lied about that night she deserved the truth. James deserved the truth. He just hoped that truth wouldn't destroy everything she'd fought all this time to achieve away from them. 


	3. Im yours til the end

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This fight of theirs has higher stakes than anything they've ever faced before. Is it one they can truly win or should they just write it off and go home?

Neither of them wanted it to be him or anything to do with him. He'd been probably the one man that both of them had ever been afraid of and the thought of him still being alive was nothing short of terrifying. They did not need him to be immortal. The world did not need him to be immortal. Natasha grimaced at the very idea of it as they made their way back to their safe house which seemed to feel less and less safe to both of them by the second... It seemed like their lives were not untouchable and their pasts would never truly let them go.

They both had unpleasant memories of The General both together and separately. Each of them were haunted by the things that they had endured at his hand and the cruelty of the training he'd put them through, if you could call it training. It was torture masked as teachings and the son of a bitch enjoyed every second of it. He was sadistic, he enjoyed the pain he caused other people and he tried his best to cause more and more pain in the name of "Enhancing their endurance" at least that's what he used to call it. It was nowhere near that. He got away with it though because no one there outranked him enough to order him to back down.

No one would even if they were. They built up their operatives in pain and torment because it broke their spirits and made them compliant. No one with even an ounce of will to fight back was permitted in those places and the two of them knew that better than almost anyone else. Niko was supposed to be just like James and Yelena was supposed to be just like Natalia, they wanted to replicate their best only they'd failed. Niko was nothing short of crazy and Yelena was... Skilled but too intent on her rivalry. She could be better in her own right if she stopped trying to be like Natalia and started to be herself.

It was a shame, if she got out she'd be able to do some real good but she was their loyal little pet who didn't think for herself and followed orders to the letter. He knew quite often that both of them would have liked to try to get her to defect too but that was one cause that'd have to wait. 

They exchanged a look and she could've sworn he looked apologetic but then so did she. It wasn't any of their fault, none of them could've seen this coming. None of them had any goddamn idea what it was that had them here or how much more twisted this would make their worlds but they knew they had to try, they had to try because not knowing the truth was likely to tear them apart and they'd never stop questioning it, they'd never stop wondering what it was or how much it'd hurt to never know so despite the dangers they had to, they had to be here and they had to find out whatever truth it was that Niko swore he knew that they didn't.

"This means we need to play this even more carefully than we thought." He sighed. "There's too much to risk, if it's something to do with him we're in more danger than we could've imagined, this isn't- Nat if any of this is real we have to play this more carefully than anything we've ever done before. I don't know what it is that he thinks he knows but if it's true and there's something out here we need to learn we have to play it careful, we have to play it _smart_."

He knew already that he didn't need to tell her that. He noted the look on her face though, he could tell that she'd been thinking the exact same thing while calculating something, no doubt the best way to face all of it and make it out in one piece. They weren't going to make it through any of this without a fight and he knew that, hell he knew she knew that but that didn't stop him worrying.

She sat on the end of the bed when they got back and glanced up at him, he sat immediately beside her and she rested her head against his shoulder as he held her hand. She needed just the smallest sense of closeness right now, the gentle intimacies of an embrace or a touch, the reassurance of the person you loved being right there with you when things got hard or you were absolutely terrified and if there was one thing she didn't know how to do so openly it was admit that she was afraid. He'd know, he always knew. He knew her too well for her to be able to hide from him but she couldn't bring herself to say it.

She couldn't bring herself to admit that she was actually afraid and so she just remained there with her head resting against his shoulder trying to steady her own breathing which was starting to become short and rapid. He could sense it though because he squeezed her hand to offer her the reminder that he was right there with her. A silent reminder _I'm here, I've got you. You're safe._ It was one that she truly needed. She wouldn't find as much comfort if it were anyone else but it was him. He could always calm her when no one and nothing else could.

"How're you holding up?" She knew he'd put on a brave face for her so far. "And don't lie to me, I know you better."

She appreciated that he put on a brave face for her sake because she knew just how much he worried about her and how much he wished he could protect her but there were just some things not even the impossibly strong James Barnes could protect her from regardless of how much he might want to. She knew he wanted to, she knew he'd take away the weight of the world if he could but he couldn't save her from everything and she couldn't save him from everything either.

"Not good." He admitted softly. "We need to be careful out here. We have too much to lose." 

She could agree with that. Her eyes cast to her lap as he reached over to put one hand on her stomach and the other on her chin to turn her to look at him. He caught her eyes and held her there.

"We need to make it out of this. _You_ need to make it out of this for his sake."

His, their baby boy. She was convinced the baby was a boy anyway. They hadn't found out just yet but she was convinced about it and people did tell her it was a mothers instinct to know. He'd tried to ask her quite a few times what she'd do if she was wrong when they did find out but she was adamant that she wasn't going to be proved wrong so in the end he'd just sort of decided to go with it.

This wasn't something a pregnant woman should be taking on but he wasn't going to tell her that. He knew that it'd just make her angry and tell him that she didn't need to be wrapped up in cotton wool and she didn't need protecting and if he tried she was going to be pissed, this was Natasha and she could handle absolutely anything anyone threw at her and come out of it just fine - albeit a little battered sometimes - but fine nonetheless.

Her look was clearly scornful but it softened after just a moment and she sighed and placed her hand over his. 

"I know." She replied with a small, sad tone; Natasha Romanov sounded nothing like the confident woman everyone knew. "But I can do this, I _have_ to do this, this is our fight. We face it together."

She'd no sooner let him face it alone than he would her. This was a battle that had started for them decades before they even realised they had one to fight. This went back to their painful history, one that was complex and painful true enough but one that brought together two people that loved one another more than anything else. This went back to perhaps the most painful memory they had. 

"Whatever this is, it's something we need to figure out together. If he's using what happened that night to hurt us he needs to be stopped even if it _is_ the two of them working together. We need to stop this together because I need to know if what he said is true. If they lied to us that night I need to know the real story. You know how much that tore me apart."

She closed her eyes as he wrapped an arm around her and leaned into his embrace. It was the one thing that she needed right now more than anything else. He was always there to hold her and comfort her, he was her safety net at home and the constant love in her life and when they were out there in the field he was the best damn partner she could've asked for, he knew her moves and she knew his so combat was effortless and they could keep each other safe and alive without smothering the others ability to fight.

"And we will, we'll figure it all out and get home safe." He promised. It was one goddamn promise he'd go out of his way to keep, too.

"We should get back to trying to figure this crap out." She moved her hand from over his.

He glanced at her and shook his head before moving his hand back and standing up. He assessed her carefully and the moment she noticed what he was doing, she scowled. He was worried about her and she knew that but she really didn't need him fussing over her when they had a mission to focus on. She huffed out a sigh.

"No, _you_ need to eat first." He informed her as he stood up. She rolled her eyes but he remained stubborn anyway. 

"You're not arguing your way out of this one, you need your strength and you know it." He sounded worried.

She had to admit that she appreciated his concern, she knew by now how much he loved her and she couldn't have asked for a better person to marry or have a family with. They had a long and complex history but she wouldn't change a damn thing. She'd prefer him to be by his side more than anyone else. They'd been through so much but ultimately always found their way back to one another and she was so so thankful for that. She could tell just by the way he looked at her right now how much he loved her and she couldn't deny that made her smile.

"Fine." She tried to sound like she was exacerbated but he could tell she was playing.

"I love you, stop arguing with me." He smirked as he walked into the kitchen to grab the takeout menu.

It wasn't like they'd had the chance to stop and grab groceries in all of the chaos they'd been through in the last few days, she noticed immediately that it took him a while to walk back in so she rose from the bed and followed him, a soft frown touched her lips as she leaned against the door frame and studied him. 

"Everything alright?" She questioned. "You look a little..."

Anxious, apologetic... He looked a lot of things all mixed into one right now. She couldn't help but wonder what had happened but then her eyes fell to his phone and that simply made her more curious, shrugging away from the door she made her way over.

"What is it?" She was worried, naturally she was worried. "James?"

"Steve texted again, he said everyone is really worried about us and that things back home are- I don't know how much longer we can go without giving them something. Anything. I-" He was battling with it.

He was battling with lying to his best friend, they were both battling with lying to everyone that cared about them and they had everything to get home for. They had a family, they had people that they loved and they didn't want to lose everything out here, they didn't want to be out here and have whatever the hell this was cost them everything because that was a price too high to pay.

"We don't even know what we'd say." She reminded him gently. "We can't say oh, someone is holding something awful that happened to us years ago over us and telling us that everything we thought we knew was a lie? It's not that simple, is it? This is one story they _don't_ know because it's always been too painful for us to talk about it."

How could either of them tell people that? She had a horrible feeling that they'd have questions that they couldn't answer because it'd drag up too much pain. She wanted to talk, she really did want to reach out and turn to everyone that she loved so that someone could give them some goddamn support out here but this wasn't anyone else's fight it was theirs and she couldn't bring herself to discuss any of it with anyone else and she knew that he couldn't either. She could see the pain in his eyes just as they sat here.

"Food sounds like an amazing idea." She smiled trying to distract him. "Maybe after we can just relax? Things are gonna get hellish quick, this could be the last night we get to relax for a little while."

"I need to tell him something." James replied, flicking his eyes to her. "I'll just say it's something from our past we need to settle, maybe when we get home we can-"

His eyes cast to the floor, he placed his phone on the side before turning his back and leaning against it. Talking about that would be the hardest thing he could imagine doing, talking about that would tear him apart in ways that he didn't even think possible on top of everything else they'd already been through. She walked over and put her arms around him, leaning against his back. She breathed out a soft sigh.

"We'll figure out something to tell him." She promised. "We'll figure out something to tell all of them but we need to eat. _Both_ of us. We need all the strength we can get."

This was going to be okay. This _had_ to be okay because there was no way in hell they were going to lose each other here and now, they had so much to survive for, so much to go home to and so much to fight for that going down here was impossible and they'd do everything in their power to get out of this alive and they made an agreement - however reluctantly - that if this got too much or stepped toward too dangerous they'd get the hell out and fast. He wasn't willing to play with her life nor was she with his. 

"I love you, okay?" Walking toward her, he reached out and enveloped her in his arms "I love you."

Always, he'd always love her and nothing would ever change that. He held to her like she was the only thing in the world that could keep him stable but then she always had been. His beautiful, fiery Natalia. His wife now of four years but the love of his life for over sixty.

"I wont let anything happen to you." His forehead rested against hers. "I swear to you, I'll make sure you get out of this."

" _We._ " she replied stubbornly. " _We'll_ make it out of this together. There's no other options, do you hear me? We go home together, both of us. I don't lose you out here. Your _family_ won't lose you out here."

Together. Together in this hell just like all those years ago, together fighting for themselves, their love and to find their truth.

"I love you he knew Barnes." She spoke softly as her nose bumped his. "You don't get to leave me now."

"Never." He replied before kissing her. "Never ever, Mrs Barnes."

_Never ever._


	4. The story I'm living

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first time they come face to face with their tormentor teaches them a thing or two but its still not enough to tell them what game they've been pulled into or how much they'll lose before they come out of it at the other end... If they do at all.

He'd made sure she got at least a few hours of sleep, he hadn't been able to get any himself but he'd done his utmost to make sure she got some rest. He didn't need nor want his pregnant wife getting hurt through exhaustion but still he wouldn't dare tell her that, he knew she'd end up losing it and telling him to stop trying to treat her like she couldn't handle everything.

She could and he knew it but he worried anyway. Her being out in the field like this was new, he was treading in unfamiliar waters and trying to find where the line was, he knew she was fiercely independent and the best agent their program had ever produced but it wasn't just Natalia anymore. It was her and their unborn child. Their son if she was right and so Bucky battled between being her husband, being a father and bring her partner out here and it was a line that he couldn't quite find. He was instead tentatively hoping he didn't say the wrong thing. When she stirred, he moved to sit beside her with a warm film of tea placed on the bedside cabinet, leaning over he carefully placed a kiss on her forehead and smiled as she opened her eyes.

He could see she was tired but he knew that she'd just tell him it was fine. She always was strong and stubborn but he knew that she'd take any precaution she had to. She was aware of the extents she'd have to take in order to keep their baby safe.

Natasha loved their son beyond all measure, they both did and while the thought of being out here facing something so terrible and so dangerous while she was pregnant, this fight had been brought to them and they both needed the truth however terrible and dark it seemed.

She sat slowly and brushed her hair out of her face, a soft yawn broke her lips before she offered a sleepy smile. He studied her then, slowly and carefully so he wasn't making it too obvious before he leaned forward to place another kiss the end of her nose.

"I made you tea." 

"Thank you." She was appreciative but worried, her brow furrowed as she noted how exhausted he looked. "Have you slept?"

He flicked his eyes down to his lap before signing and shaking his head, she knew before she'd even asked but she had to anyway and he wouldn't lie to her like that not when he knew she had enough to worry about already and he didn't want to stress her out. She wanted him to rest, she knew he needed it just as much as she did but he just couldn't seem to shut off and actually get any rest. He wanted to he really did but he was honestly too worried that something would go wrong and she'd get hurt. Nothing scared him more than the thought of her getting hurt out here.

"I will, I'll be okay." He promised but she just frowned. "Don't worry about me, sweetheart. I'll be okay." 

He'd be okay... He hoped that was true. He knew that he needed the strength to fight alongside her and keep her safe, he needed the strength to be able to fight with everything he was to get out of here alive and figure out whatever the hell this was if it was anything at all. Needless to say the thought of all of this being a lie and her putting so much at risk was horrible. Niko had the upperhand and whether they wanted it to be or not, their childs life and the life of his wife lay in the hands of a psychopath.

Could there be anything worse?

* * *

_Don't worry about me, sweetheart. I'll be okay._

Oh how those words would come right around to bite him in the ass. They got another call from Niko around midday who informed them that they were to go to an abandoned office building in downtown Moscow. It felt like an ambush in fact every instinct the both of them had were saying that it was a damn ambush and he'd _begged_ her not to go. He'd begged her to let him take care of whatever step this was in whatever twisted game they'd been pulled into but she wasn't going to have it, of course she wasn't. He loved her but she was so damn stubborn.

By the time they got there both of them were on edge, they were both wearing bulletproof vests and he made sure that he kept her in his line of sight at all times. Niko Constantin was the kind of twisted son of a bitch that would lock them in and set the building on fire or something. Bucky grimaced at the thought. 

The building itself seemed to be under some kind of construction, no doubt a revamp that had gone bust or something along those lines which was usually the case with things like this. It was in an area where industrial reform could be profitable in the right hands but that wasn't something either of them cared about. at least it wasn't some kind of goddamn facility but the windows left them too open and too exposed for his liking, no doubt this was why it was their set meeting place. They couldn't control the situation but Niko could quite easily and that was terrifying.

They were being played like blind puppets. 

The only sound there was for a good ten minutes was their hushed conversation before the door at the far end of the room opened and he stepped inside with a smug look upon his face and almost immediately both of them tensed up. It seemed to do nothing but make him laugh.

"Well well, don't the two of you look so sweet together, we finally thought we'd gotten that happy ending didn't we?" He mocked. "If only you knew."

If only they knew _what_ though?

"You got us here now what the hell is it you want?" Bucky sounded angry.

"Lets not get through our heartfelt reunion so quickly," Niko scoffed "Whatever happened to greeting an old friend after all these years?"

"You aren't a friend you twisted son of a bitch," Natasha spat. "You're just another psychopath."

"Mm, that may be true but I'm the son of a bitch in control of all of this right now so play my game and be nice about it." He seemed indifferent as he spoke.

Clearly he loved the control and indeed he held all the cards whether they wanted him to or not. It took every ounce of control they both had not to shoot him there and then but they both knew that the goon with him wasn't the only person that had a gun trained on them. Their instincts had always been impeccable, it was like they could feel the guns trained on them without being able to see them. Maybe it was just the extent of their training, knowing when someone had you in their cross-hares you could just _feel_ it. He was tense and protective.

Niko noticed and a smirk touched his lips and he shook his head.

"Does he fight all your battles for you now, Natalia?" He rose a brow as he spoke to her. "My my."

She went to move forward but Bucky stopped her dead in her tracks by grabbing her wrist and shaking his head before mouthing _this is what he wants_ to her and slipping his hand to hold hers. He wasn't going to let this son of a bitch bait her. He could feel the anger radiating off of her in waves and she was pissed as hell that he stopped her but she knew that he was right, too. If she bit into whatever sick game he was trying to play they'd fall soon and he'd win. They couldn't falter. She tried to remind herself of Ivan's words. _Don't allow your past to steal your future._

Her future, the family she was making for herself would not fall here, not because of him or anyone else. She stood, shaking off her falter easily and once again the ice cold shield of the Black Widow overtook the redhead and she simply smirked. She shook off Bucky's hand and stepped forward holding up her hand and she beckoned him forward.

"Do you remember what happened the last time I saw you, Niko?" She looked just as dangerous as she'd been trained to be. "You were the one that fell not me."

She reminded him of it with a mocking laugh and shook her head, she was playing to her strengths while reminding him of his weaknesses. He tensed up this time and he wavered looking at the man beside him, his hand balled into fists but indeed he did not step forward; she knew he wouldn't and she burst out laughing. He was trying to bait her and yet he was too afraid to face her himself. It was laughable. Yes, James protected her just as she did him because they loved one another but she didn't need him to fight for her nor did he need her to fight for him. They fought _together_ and they'd done so for as long as she could remember.

Even when he didn't know it, even when she didn't know it they fought for one another somewhere, somehow and eventually they'd found their way home, a home she'd be damned if she was going to let this bastard take away from her. She'd fought so hard for the life that she had now and he stood thinking that he held her life in his hands but he was wrong. He was so wrong. She might be playing along with whatever game he had planned but that didn't mean for even a moment that she was going to surrender herself to whatever sick, twisted whims he was trying to act out.

"Are you afraid of me, Niko?" she mused with a wicked smirk. She knew the answer. "Mm, you always were the same: second par to James. You're just pathetic."

Her eyes cast over her shoulder to her husband and he let out a quiet laugh. He knew this play all too well. He'd _taught_ her this play. She was trying to get him to show his cards and James knew out of ego that Niko would let something slip that'd give them an inkling of what they were up against here. She was using his own self-confidence against him. Looking back at Niko, she pouted.

"Aw, is the failed little experiment too afraid? Poor little thing." Oh, she was pushing him and she knew it. It was exactly what she was planning to do all along.

She knew James would be slightly annoyed that she didn't share her plan with him but she didn't have time. When she'd assessed the situation when they got here she knew the best bet she had was to bait him into letting something slip, she had far more charm and finesse than James did. He had a great many skills but those were not among the list. Niko did step forward then but only a fraction.

"You stupid little girl," he spat, he was faltering. His anger was visible and it didn't take a genius to see that he was cracking. Ha. He thought he had the upper hand here and yet he was cracking more by the second.

Good.

"I'm older than you, you're nothing but a pathetic little child," she replied coldly. "A failed experiment that should've been put out of its misery long before now."

"I could end you both here and now," he muttered. "What makes you think I won't, hm? What makes you think your lives matter to me?"

This time James burst out laughing and he stepped forward to join Natasha, both of them assessed their would-be adversary with nothing but amusement. Yes, Natasha had done exactly what she was trained to do and get under his skin and she'd done it brilliantly. Her mentor was undoubtedly proud albeit a little concerned and impressed at the same time. It has been so long since he'd seen this side to her but he knew her better than anyone else. She kept certain sides of her in neat little boxes ready to be unleashed should she need them to be. Now she needed it to be and now she fell back into that persona without blinking. She was always so impressive.

"Because you didn't bring us all the way here and start this game of yours to kill us here," she replied with a bored tone "You think you have something that'll hurt us but I think you're just fishing around in the dark trying to find something you think will make us weak." 

"You have no idea what I know," he fumed. "I'll make you regret this."

Would he though? 

"No, you won't," James spoke. "You're about a second away from a bullet through your pathetic brain. You know nothing, you _have_ nothing. You're just doing exactly what she said: Fishing around in the dark trying to find something that makes us think you're a threat. You've never been a threat to us."

"But The General is," Niko replied, he was overconfident. "He told me what happened to you all those years ago, poor little Natalia all alone in the woods with her pain."

So it was the only other person that knew what she'd been through that night. That also told her he was still alive which she didn't want to accept but there wasn't much she could do about it now, or at least not _right_ now because she could definitely kill him later. That was an option. Actually that was a plan.

Still they both looked worried about it which seemed to amuse their son of a bitch puppet master. They didn't doubt for even a second that Niko was all too aware of their feelings toward that man after everything both had endured at his hand it was natural for them to be afraid of him, hell it was a wonder Niko himself wasn't afraid when he'd been through much of the same torture that they had.

"If he told you the story then you know there's nothing else for you to know," she muttered through gritted teeth, "what happened to me that night is done, none of us can change it now."

Heaven knew she wanted to. Niko shook his head though.

"Oh dear Natalia, you really have no idea what really happened to you."

"Stop it," she warned, "I know _exactly_ what happened that night."

"No, wrong again." He smirked. "You have no idea."

James glanced around, his mind was calculating their odds of taking him out safely and he didn't like the odds. He could feel the guns trained on them like it was physically burning into his skin and it made him undeniably uncomfortable. His eyes moved to Natalia for a moment before flicking back to Niko; he was thinking of all the ways he could kill him in his mind but fought to hide the fact that he too was unravelling at the words he was saying but he wasn't going to let that bastard see that. His eyes moved to his wife, he studied her quietly just to make sure that she was okay.

"Hm, I should get them to shoot," Niko spoke dismissively as he waved his hand almost like he was swatting away an annoying fly or something. "Get them to kill you both-"

"And end your game so soon? Oh, are you really that afraid to face us?" Natalia interjected as she glared at him. she stood steadfast despite the fear James could see dancing across her features for just a moment.

Niko inhaled a sharp breath and glowered at the pair of them before he turned his head to the man next to him and muttered something to him before he pulled his gun from the holster on his hip and shot at Natalia's shoulder that James wasn't quite fast enough to pull her out of the way of and she let out a grunt of pain, was she hell going to scream and give this bastard what he wanted from her; James went to react and she shot out her arm - pained or not - out to stop him, he couldn't at least not here and not now. He had to keep his composure but even she could see the fury in his eyes but she whispered _I'm okay_ in an effort to soothe him. Nat looked toward James and silent, she begged him not to do anything.

Niko laughed one of those sort of laughs that sounded halfway between amused and mocking before he turned and walked out, casting a look over his shoulder as he laughed.

"This is just the beginning of your pain," he promised, "When you find out the truth you'll know what it truly is to be destroyed and I can't _wait_ to see you both burn before I kill you."

* * *

The words stuck in her mind even as she sat there letting him patch up her shoulder in their safehouse wondering what the hell it could mean. She dragged it out over and over trying to think about whatever it was he thought he knew and how it'd hurt them as badly as he claimed it would; she'd been over that night a million times in her mind over the years. What could he _possibly_ know that was going to cause them such pain? She was hoping somewhere inside that it was just a trick, some joke that he'd eventually get bored of and they'd end him for what he'd done but so far he seemed to be in control of whatever train they were stuck on even if it seemed like it was on fire. She looked toward James who seemed to instinctively know without her saying it that she was cracking, he pulled her gently toward him.

"It's alright love, we'll fix this," he promised, "I won't let him hurt you."

She flicked her eyes down again, she couldn't bring herself to meet his waiting gaze as she shook her head. He _had_ hurt her though she'd fought like hell not to let it show. She knew that the pain he felt was akin to hers but she could swear that she could still feel the physical pain sometimes. She could feel the emptiness that was for sure. She bit back tears.

"You can't protect me from everything," she whispered, "You can't protect _us_ from everything."

That thought didn't seem to make him too happy because he huffed out a sigh and glanced over at her. His brow furrowed and he assessed her obviously trying to figure out how he could've done more today before he just rolled his eyes. He was pissed at himself but more that they were in this situation to begin with. 

"Should've let me shoot him," he muttered, she just deadpanned him though.

"And we'd never know what he knows," she reminded him, "And right now that's more important. _If_ what he's saying is true then I need to know. I still have nightmares about what happened that night and I need to know if its real. I need to know if he actually knows something happened that night that I don't because if I was lied to again and that was-" 

She was unable to finish that sentence. He could practically feel the pain radiating off of her it was that palpable. She was fighting for composure and it was yet to be determined if it was a losing battle it would seem. She seemed to go back and forth between the two; she ran her hand down her face, he knew her well enough to know she was trying to distract herself. Natalia never cried, she was always too strong for that and too damn stubborn too, she'd only ever cried around him a handful of times and even that had been because she hadn't been able to lock it away inside of her for much longer. He traced a finger down her arm.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, "no one was ever supposed to do this. No one was ever supposed to use this."

That had been the agreement she'd had with Ivan, he promised her that no one would ever use this because he knew how much it hurt her. He found himself wondering the exact same thing he knew she was: who was it that had been aiming guns at them today and why the hell was Niko making it so clear that it'd hurt them like hell if anything happened to them. Why? Why would they care? None of it made any sense. Maybe the two of them had trained these people and maybe it was another person that somehow they'd failed along the way, in Natasha's mind it was quite the list.

"I don't want anyone to hurt our family," she admitted, "I don't want anyone to touch what we've built."

"Me either," he agreed, "And as long as my heart is still beating I'll never let anyone touch that."

Never. Not ever. They had something now that they'd never thought they could ever build and that was something that they never ever wanted to lose. This kind of life had been something they'd been told they never ever had a chance of having and now they did, they had their own family and something to lose and yet somehow this dark world of theirs had managed to creep its way into it anyway.

Was this ever going to stop?


	5. I've lost more than a heart can take

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get far worse for Natasha and Bucky does the one thing she told him not to do: Call in help.

This situation was a ticking time bomb or at least it was to his estimation, what he didn't know however was that this situation was a series of them each set to detonate at different times to cause damage in different areas in order to maximise the damage and none of them - despite all of their intelligence and their tactical assessments - had seen it coming. He cursed himself inwardly because he'd known all along that they were being led into a trap that would ultimately cost them more than either might be willing to pay and he resented the fact that he hadn't been smart enough to call in help when they should've.

She'd been so insistent that no one else needed to be dragged into this and yet come the end of this particular day she'd regret that decision wholly and completely.

They'd spent most of the morning going over everything they had gleamed from their puppet master and that was not as much as they might've wanted. Theories was about all they had and that was something neither of them were happy with. They both knew that they were going to have to track down the same son of a bitch that had put them through all of their pains and torments back when both of them were with their respective handlers.

James's awareness of Natalia's movements were acute and he did his best to make sure that she was safe and unharmed but the bullet wound already told him she wasn't. He still wasn't happy about that and he still wanted revenge but she'd promised him that he'd get it.

They both would but it wouldn't be today and while he was far from happy about that he had begrudgingly admitted that she was right. Still, every single sound that broke her lips that even hinted at pain earned her another apology that she maintained she didn't want nor need, she'd known something would happen to her and what had had simply proved to her that she was right and Niko had not maintained the upper hand he'd fought do hard to attain.

He was weak and she wondered just whether this and been his plan or whether he was being manipulated just as much as they were. Was he smart enough to pull this off alone? It was an interesting question but they both knew their trainer better than to think he wouldn't have some angle of his own, if he'd told this story there was a reason for it...

But what? They'd been out now for so long and had so many of their secrets exposed that there was very little that could be used to manipulate them or to throw them through some loop or another. They'd tried that with Bucky and she'd broken him out, a lot had transpired since that night but the end result was the same: a vow that no one would ever throw any of them in a hole like that again.

He should've killed Niko there, they wouldn't be facing this issue if he had. He sighed. Glancing over at Natasha he watched her pace around the room occasionally muttering to herself as she hit ' _redial_ ' over and over again though it made no difference, the calls didn't connect and that did nothing but cause her what seemed to be concern because as she spun to face him he could see it written on her face, she was worried.

Scared even.

"What is it?" he questioned as he studied her, "What's wrong?"

Something was and that was abundantly clear, she tossed her phone on the bed and ran her tongue across her bottom lip. 

"Ivan isn't answering my calls," she sighed, she sounded restless and worried. "James I'm worried..."

She didn't need to say it, of course she was. She had every right to be too because if this truly was a game then everyone in their lives were pawns in it whether they wanted them to be or not. 

"The let's go see him." There wasn't even a seconds hesitation in his voice and that was mistake number one.

* * *

It didn't take all that long given her insistence on haste to reach Ivan's small house and she'd spent the whole time fretting and he'd tried his best to assure her that there was no need, the old man could look after himself but that quickly proved to be a huge mistake and one that he hated himself for as soon as he became aware of the situation they were in.

Their first inkling that something was wrong though should've been that everything in a three block radius was silent, eerily so. Their second should've been the fact that his door was open and it smelled like metal, a tell-tale scent that could only point to blood and he knew in that moment that they'd made it here too late but none of them wanted to face it.

It took both a moment to register what they were seeing at first because both were trying to be certain it wasn't some hallucination or some bad dream but the moment they looked at each other they knew that what they were seeing was very real. In the hallway of his house were ten dead bodies, the neighbors they'd heard bustling around just days before no doubt and that had her heart jump into her throat. He looked immediately at her knowing what she'd do and knowing that she was likely to find something she didn't want to find. He didn't react quick enough.

She took off at a dead run pivoting over the bodies before he could stop her and he moved after her. No, this wasn't good. Their best outcome here was that he'd been kidnapped and he'd be used to bait her but they weren't that lucky. She wasn't that lucky. 

"Nat wait I-" he didn't have the time to finish that sentence because she screamed.

Loudly and in such an agonized tone that his immediate thought was on her or the baby and not on what she'd just seen but then she'd been ahead of him and his worst fears were confirmed, they were too late; the world moved in slow motion. Natasha's eyes filled with tears mixed with anger and sorrow, her hands balled into tight fists at her side and her eyes closed for just a moment as she let two words break her lips: _He'll pay_. She couldn't take her eyes off of the man that had been a father to her all of these years and now that sense of security that she'd held to was gone and she knew that it was a message to her, a message that she'd make sure was repaid in kind. 

If he wanted to destroy her world she'd make sure he had nothing left and he was begging for death before she put a bullet in him if she were even feeling kind enough to end it that quick, she was sure as hell considering making it a long and brutal process. 

He skidded to a halt beside her - literally after he almost skidded through the blood all over the floor - and he noticed immediately what made her scream which confirmed exactly what he already knew, he should've seen this coming hell they both should've but Ivan had survived this long and if someone had taken him out they'd probably had a fight on their hands first. If you'd looked at it from behind and the hallway were not filled with bodies you'd have thought the old man were merely asleep but from where they stood it was impossible to miss the cut on his neck that went so deep his head was barely still attached, he listened to her whisper _No, I'm so Sorry_ over and over in Russian. She would grieve and he knew it but this was just the tip of the iceberg, she was far too angry for her sorrow to win out right now.

They could've just executed him clean but they'd made it this messy to hurt her.

The man that she had loved as a father was dead and every single person in here was dead because of them. They may not have actually committed the acts but the fact that she'd come to Ivan led all of this death and blood. All of these people were dead because of her and it was to send her a message and remind her that she was just a plaything to psychopaths all over again. To remind them that they were never free. No one in their lives were untouchable... It made him glad that she'd convinced him that no one else should be involved in this even if he hated himself for thinking it.

She moved forward to pluck the note off of of his lap though she was careful not to touch him, no prints or sign of their presence here could be left and the moment she stepped back Bucky's hand moved to the top of her arm and he pulled her toward him with the utmost care, she was already shaken enough.

"We have to go," he implored. They couldn't get caught in a house full of dead people...

He could see being here was tearing her apart too. She was never going to stop blaming herself for this. It wasn't her fault by any means, Niko was a sick twisted bastard and this wasn't only his idea, Niko wouldn't have the balls to come after Ivan himself. 

"C'mon sweetheart, we gotta go." 

Reluctantly she nodded but before she walked out of the house she turned to James.

"Promise me we'll give him a proper funeral. I'm his- the police will call me when they find him. Promise me he gets a decent goodbye, he didn't deserve this." 

"I promise," he replied. She'd get her wish... Ivan wouldn't be left in some unmarked grave like a nobody, he knew that it would break her even more if that happened.

She'd have a grave to visit and a place to mourn just as she deserved. Just as Ivan deserved. She was doing a damn good job at masking her anger but he knew her better, he knew she was controlling her emotions as best she could for the sake of their unborn child. She wouldn't let harm come to her son. Niko wouldn't ever hurt their child.

They'd cleaned up as best they could before leaving but the whole ride back Natasha didn't say a word. She held the note in her hands trying to ignore the fact that it was stained with Ivan's blood as she unfolded the paper and read the words written there, she closed her eyes as she reached the end and folded it up again and just left it resting against her legs before she handed it to him as she made her way inside of their safehouse, he knew she needed to shower to get the blood off of her and he wasn't going to get a single word out of her and so he didn't try. He merely followed her inside and sat down to read the note for himself and he shook his head. Bastard. Tomorrow would be yet another battle and he knew this was the first in a series of them that'd be designed to tear their world apart and there was nothing they could do because they didn't know what the game here was.

He didn't seem to know she was pregnant though so they had that at least. One less nerve for him to pluck at because they both knew he had enough of those already and there'd be nothing holding him back at all if he threatened their child, he'd kill the bastard and be done with it because he'd never ever risk losing either one of them no matter what it was Niko thought he had on them, he'd find a way to live with this and help her through it as best he could or find another way to get the truth but Niko would die, one wrong word about his wife or child and he'd be dead before he even finished his goddamn sentence.

Against his better judgment Bucky pulled his phone out of his pocket but he didn't call Steve, instead he called Sharon. 

"Hey, I need your help," he sounded almost defeated as he admitted that, "please don't tell Steve."

He knew she'd hate keeping secrets from Steve but she'd do it because it was Bucky asking and they'd both earned that over the years, he and Natasha had both worked side by side with Sharon Carter enough to know that they could trust her no matter what and he appreciated that. She was a good person, a hell of an agent and an ally he was glad to have, he heard her release a gentle breath.

"Alright, what do you need?" She sounded calm at least so that was a good sign.

"A trace, the phones a burner so I don't know if you'll find anything but maybe look at property records, I'll text you the names of a few shell companies connected to-" he glanced behind him just to make sure Natasha hadn't gotten out of the shower yet, "This is bad Sharon, what's going on out here is bad but if we ask for help someone else could get hurt."

He hated admitting that but reaching out to her was all he could think of, if anyone could get covert information for him without anyone else finding out it was Sharon Carter, there was very little she didn't have access to and he knew that she'd be discreet about it too, he didn't have a whole lot of people he trusted implicitly but Sharon Carter was a good woman and she'd been through enough and gone rogue on her own enough times to know when it was needed. 

"Define bad?" she questioned clearly sounding concerned, he heard her sigh. 

"I can't explain that right now but please, I need you to do this for me," he replied as he fell down on the end of the couch, he bowed forward with his free hand pressed against his head.

"I'll look into whatever you send over and I'll try to get back to you as soon as I can," she promised, "But please be careful."

"Yeah, we'll try. Thanks Sharon." As soon as he hung up he sent her the details before he threw his phone down next to him and groaned. He already felt bad and all he'd done was ask her to look into something for him because he didn't want anyone else involved in any of this. There didn't need to be anymore casualties here, things were already bad enough.

He was going to get hell when Natasha found out what he'd done but he was sick of running blindly. He was sick of being backed into corners and being forced to run around like rats trapped in a maze, he'd been a rat trapped in a cage more times than he cared to remember he had no goddamn wish to play anyone else's game ever again, he should've just reached out to someone to begin with though the image of Ivan's body remained in his mind as he ran his hand back through his hair. He was already going to struggle to keep everything together, their son of a bitch puppet master had hit low and he'd hit a place he knew would hurt and not even he had any idea how Natasha would react. He had no idea how she'd react to what happened today and he knew she'd be pissed that he'd just called Sharon to ask for her help, hell she might even understand that part who knew.

She was going to be volatile as hell, everything that she'd been through lately mixed with hormones and an anger he couldn't even begin to comprehend was going to be one hell of an unpredictable cocktail and he'd have his work cut out for him trying to make sure that she didn't end up getting herself hurt or killed in the process. He knew she'd be as careful as she could but it only ever took one slip and that was it. One slip and it'd all be over.

He hadn't moved an inch by the time she emerged from the bedroom and she sat down wordlessly beside him and merely sat in silence for a while before she inhaled a deep breath and shook her head. He could see she was beating herself up over what had happened but there was no way in hell this was her fault. There was no way in hell she could've seen this coming.

"Nat, this isn't your fault," he promised, "what happened here today isn't your fault."

"Yes it is, I knew by going to him first it'd put him back on their radar, James," she sighed and shook her head. "He knew it too."

"He also knew how to fight," he reminded her, "No one would've bested him easily and you _know_ that. He'd have fought like hell and he'd have protected you right to the end."

She nodded at his words, she knew that if they'd asked Ivan absolutely anything about her he wouldn't have said a word no matter how much they might've put him through. She didn't assess his injuries enough to know exactly what they'd done to him but she knew that it'd have been drawn out and painful but the stubborn old man would've remained silent to the end, never saying a word and never letting them know he was in pain. He was always so tough no matter what he was put through, the only time he'd ever shown an ounce of emotion or weakness was for her.

"Maybe we should just go home," she muttered quietly, "Maybe he was right, maybe the past should stay buried."

James shook his head though and placed one hand on her cheek to turn her face toward his. 

"No, you know you won't be able to live with that. We've come this far we have to make it all worth something." He hated that he was saying it but they did. It'd cost enough already. "Nat, we have to do this and you know we do. We have to make all of this count for something it's what he'd have wanted and you know it."

She cracked just a fraction of a smile and exhaled slowly. She knew that he was right, she knew that if Ivan had died to protect her and to make damn sure that whatever it was they asked about her was kept a secret she owed it to him to finish this and make what had happened to him worth something. She'd make damn sure that they paid for his death but they'd get to the bottom of exactly what game they were playing here first and when that was over every damn person involved in it was going down. There was no damn way in hell that they were walking away from this after everything they'd done. Every person involved in what had happened to Ivan and were involved in this sick little game would die.

Slowly too if she had anything to say about it.

"Then we'd better find our psychotic trainer," she replied reluctantly, that was a part of this both of them were dreading. "When Carter gets back to you anyway."

"You heard that?" he questioned as he offered her an apologetic look, she shook her head though.

"Don't apologise, we need help but no one can be out here with us. We're flying blind and anything that can give us even a little bit of clarification is good right now. Let her help but we can't tell them any more than we have to, this is our fight James not theirs."

No, it wasn't their friends fight at all but she was right: Anything that could give them even an inkling on what the hell was going on here or how they moved after this was better than nothing. None of them liked to be flying blind and Sharon could look into things they couldn't out here. She could be their eyes but down on the ground it was just the two of them the same way it always had been. Their fight, their lives, their story and they'd be damned if someone else got to manipulate it all over again.


End file.
